Five ways NOT to pick up girls at a festival…

Listen up boys.

Before you pack your tents, forget your wellies and wade your way through the crowds and mud to stake your pitch and open your cooler full of Red Stripe, I thought I’d have a quiet word.

This weekend, with the the amount of booze, days without a decent shave and lack of proper showers, you will find it hard enough to successfully chat up a girl without adding in some of the amazing tactics I witnessed last week at Download. I’ve worked at festivals for many years and each year I’ll see yet another hilariously creative attempt to get the attention of a poor unsuspecting lady.

I thought I’d compile some of the brilliance I have seen. Think of me as your guardian wing(wo)man.

Here we go. To have better success with the ladies avoid these classic moves:

1. The Mosh Pit Seduction Dance
I’ve been to a lot of festivals. And I don’t think I have ever found the sight of grown sweaty men with their shirts off, hairy untanned beer bellies out, smashing up against each other attractive.

Need I say more?

2. The En masse Approach

A whole group of drunken boys trapping one unsuspecting girl in the corner of a beer tent is not going to guarantee one of them will be successful. Especially if you then start to argue about which pissed idiot “saw her first”.

3. Queue Jump-Start

Amazingly, I witnessed two blokes push their way to the front of a very long bar queue and realise that the girls behind them were really quite attractive. So they decided to chat them up. Without much success.

Dudes. You just fucking barged in.

Not. Going. To. Happen.

4. Simply the Breast
One of my all time favourites. Honestly, if a girl is sat on her boyfriend’s shoulders flashing her boobies to the crowd, she’s probably not really a girl you should be chatting to anyway. And she’s certainly not one you’re going to bring home to mummy.

So – in a nut shell, getting on you’re mates shoulders and flashing your man boobs at her is a pure waste of your efforts. And her boyfriend is that giant tattooed guy who is currently standing beneath her.

And he will nut you in the forehead when you get back onto the ground.

5. The Princess and the Pee

This is pretty self explanatory. I did indeed see a man attempt to get the phone number of a very shocked looking girl as he went up beside her, unzipped his trousers, and began to urinate against the fence next to her (appropriately this fence had a massive poster of the new Slash album on it).

Come on!

Use common sense!! If you were back home and out on the town would you really attempt to chat up a lady whilst you had your willy hanging out and were relieving yourself against a wall?


No you wouldn’t. This will never be appropriate.


Besides, I’m not quite sure how he was planning to put the number in his phone had he succeeded…


Seriously festival goers, a simple “Hi my name is ________, do you fancy a luke warm plastic cup of Turborg?” will do.
Class dismissed.


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