Stealth Boyfriend

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You’re a pink toothbrush
He’s a blue toothbrush.

And before you know it his blue toothbrush is proudly snuggled next to your pink toothbrush in the little ceramic cup on your bathroom sink.

And that’s when it hits you.
You’ve been struck by the stealth boyfriend.

He’s clever.
He’s cunning.
He strikes when you least expect it.

Having been single for well over a year now I thought I’d got the hang of it. I can do what I want, when I want and there’s no one else to consider if I want to noisily eat cornflakes at 3am and watch my 30 Rock box set.

Plus the endless minefield of potentially upsetting – or being upset by – your boyfriend isn’t something I particularly miss.

On top of all this if I do get lonely or fancy some fun there’s a whole world of single guys out there who want just the same. Or so I thought.

Just as I thought I’d settled quite happily into the single life I discovered a massive side effect that wasn’t listed on the tin: Other single people.

It seems when a boy wants to commit he doesn’t eff about. He also doesn’t ask.

A friend of mine met a guy. They went to dinner a few times and he stayed the night a handful of times. But she wasn’t that enamoured after a while. She wanted to end it. Sadly this was no ordinary boy. This was a stealth boyfriend.

One morning after he’d left her house for work she realised he’d made his sneaky moves. For on the sink was an extra toothbrush. A while later she found his pyjamas in her washing basket. And a clean shirt hung up in the cupboard.

I once had a boy clear out one of my drawers – in my tiny studio flat – for him to leave things in. We’d been on three dates. There was never a fourth.

What baffles me most, is if I heard of a girl doing that it would seem needy and desperate. But maybe when a boy does this it’s a sign of romance? Perhaps we should find it sweet and endearing?

We convene over a bottle of wine. We both love the idea of big bold romantic gestures but this just seemed too much. Were we missing the point? Was this romance hitting us in the face? Or were we merely being pushed into something we didn’t actually want?

Despite us both lamenting that we feel lonely at times my friend and I both decided that if we wanted a boy to move in… we’d probably ask them to.

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